I suddenly find myself back in a place that I remember from some time ago. I spent the day feeling the same, and I am not to sure how I rightly feel about that. I am not sure if that is even good. I know I didn't like it before, so I am not sure if this will be any different.

I spend my time reviewing things in my head, sorting through things, and I am not sure if I ever labelled any of the bins right, If I have labelled myself right.

People have wandered back to me, I don't want them around, I just want them to go away, and the people that wandered away I desperately want them to come back.

Maybe I was foolish, That could be, but it was all in the name of discovery. Some people have changed, and I wish they never had, but then I can't help but sit and question, is it because I have changed. I think I have because I am back here, back in this time and space. I know this is why I am writing, I only write when I am here, and I havn't been here for a long time.

Things are the same as they were before, and I know they are going to be this way for a while, how am I supposed to deal with that? How am I supposed to deal with myself?

Wow, I really havn't written anything in a long time. I always find it funny how that all works. It's only when I have that gut feeling that I ever write anything. I was watching this Episode of The L Word last night. I really enjoyed it especially this one part about writing. This woman being a writer and the Demons that lay inside us all. I am definately going to have to watch that one again. It made me think a lot. Too bad I was too tired to actually remember anything for today.

Work Work. Anyways I should get back to work. HAve to go to work. ARggg.

Honestly, that damn mum. I think I am so much better without her. I think I am going to walk into a doctors office and ask for a blood transfusion. Purify myself from her and so much that she is not. I already am, but fuck she can at least not arg. She jsut turns everything around onto her even when it is supposed to be my time. You know what, shove it in your face that you want to help me cause really it's all false words. False thoughts, false hopes of helping. You don't even know where to begin to be a mother. Just because you are around doesn't mean anything. It;s everything in between that counts, and you are so not that. I have friends that are better than you. SO fuck off. Just fuck off and never come back. I'm not talking to you anymore. that's it your deleted as well as the other fucked up people that you surround yourself with and I am forced to call family. Jsut because I am related to you doesn't mean I have to love you. I refuse to love you, so you can kiss my ass. Never again. You suck. Get a life and maybe then you will be sophisticated enough to talk to me. To understand what the hell I am trying to say to you. It's not about you you fucking bitch. It's about me, my life, and my thoughts. So go jump off a bridge and stop being so vein that it all has to do about you cause it doesn't you moron.

By boy jesus sometimes I wish people would just speak their mind. Just say what they want to say. Just open up and not remain in the closet only allow you to guess. to wonder what is wrong and somehow to come up with something so the awkward silence, the awkward feeling would just somehow dissapear. dissapear into the night, or into the empty space that continues to grow, but jsut fills with all the things that havn;t been said. The things that havn't been said, but at the same time need to be said. And well jsut not because there is a fear, or something. But nobody knows, because nobody speaks their mind. they do;t say what they want because they might jsut be trying to protect that one person. Trying to save them from something, but the one problem is that they may not need saving.

For crying in the sink, I tell ya I am jsut so messed up lately, so confused, torn in what I should do, what I should say, how I sould act. I just don't know anymore. And all I know is that as time passes it jsut gets more confusing, more frustrating, and even that much harder to understand anything that is going on. I jsut feel things, and it's not like I can question what I feel because all i know is that in the end that is what is right, but it jsut figuring out how to make it all work. I've gone through it in my head a million and one times. A million and one ways to get to that one place, but for things not being said, it makes it that much more difficult to get there.

And I am not one to push, I don't like it, but I am ready to explode cause I jsut want everything to be said. to be talked about. for and understanding and an agreement to be made. For mutual feelings to come to a mutual trust, pact, deal, agreement. that's what it is all about no? the relationships that we make? Cause I think sometimes, jsut like now you can't say who you get along with or not. Because sometimes when you don;t even try it jsut all comes together. And what damn sucks is when you could possibly love a person or see yourself loving a person. That's what kills me. I hate it. I've never loved a person in my life. Aside from my friends, but I think that everyone would agree that that is a totally different story. Cause with friends I see it a lot like family. ANd yeah, sometimes they are the only family that you have. I think that in my case that is ever true. But aside from friends. A soulmate, a lover, a confident whatever you want to call it, damn I just wish I wasn't capable of it because it would make my life a whole hell of a lot easier if it wasn't true, it didn't exist. That in the next while I am going to have to make some commitments. Have some conversations. The thing is is that I think I am ready for this, at least jsut to explore, the possibility. It's the other person that I am worried about. And I think that is what is getting me ever so frustrated. Especially in the last couple hours, and after the most awkward conversation that I have ever had in my life. Fuck, I just wish I knew what I should do.

Well, yeah finally got up and that is the extent of my day so far. So I guess you can say that I wasted most of it away. I was tired so I think it was well deserved. I have to work later tonight, so I am probably not going to do anything up until that time cause well I jsut want to be lazy. I told my uncle that I would at least do the laundry, but aside from that, im not doing a thing!